so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
