Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
