The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
