did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Randomize
