I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
