There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
