those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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