The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
