you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
