I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
