...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
