every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
