she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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