im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So much rum. So many feels.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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