NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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