Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
