i just sent this text using only my big toe
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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