My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
