We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
