Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
