i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
