I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
