Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
