I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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