Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
