FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
