I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
