Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
