see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
