bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
