My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
