Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
