It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize