I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
