the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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