when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
