you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize