u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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