Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
