Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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