In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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