My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
