I'm eating all of the evidence.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
