Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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