Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
