im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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