Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
