don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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