She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
