dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I supernannyed him into submission
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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