do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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