He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
where are my eyebrows?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
