We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
