For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
