she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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