Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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