Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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