god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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