i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
