it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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