dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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